Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
