I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
