Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
