I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
