well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So squirting runs in the family.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
