After last night, I could never be a politician.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
