i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
