I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
