Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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