i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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