the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
