I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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