I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
