I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
