I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
