I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i've created a new STD.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
