I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
