So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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