There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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