i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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