dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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