i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
