I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
