pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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