The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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