YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
