did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
