Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
