Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
