i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
