I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
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That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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