Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
