There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
