When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They took my balls.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
