Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
