what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
