3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
