wanna go halves on a baby?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
