My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
