he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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