I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We need to get me chipped asap
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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