Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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