If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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