mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
