I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
