Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
