i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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