Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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