Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
