there's paper in my vomit.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
