I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i need some magic done to my vagina
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
