don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
