It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
