I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
