This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
false alarm. still invincible.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
